


(Re)Building

by Muizeke83



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angry Warrior, F/M, New Earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 10:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16427600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muizeke83/pseuds/Muizeke83
Summary: Post Resolutions stuff... because that episode didn't have the ending we craved for...





	1. Connecting

_On New Earth:_  
  
She didn’t quite understand it, but when their fingers touched she got lost. Lost in her own emotions. A single tear ran down her cheek, stirring up a feeling she hadn’t felt in a long time. It slowly pushed all the air out of her lungs and just when she thought she needed to get control again, their fingers intertwined and she was lost. Lost in the moment.  
That single tear became more tears and when she inhaled, her throat closed too soon again with a sob. Everything the strong Captain was vanished that instant and left a woman wrecked by her own emotions.  
Chakotay understood her distress and stood, pulling her up with him to wrap her into his strong arms. She grabbed the front of his shirt, knuckles white, and buried her face into the fabric trying to smother the sound of her crying.  
This man loved her. She understood that now, but what was supposed to happen now?  
  
“I’m so sorry Kathryn.”  
  
It took her a moment, but she managed to still herself. “What for?” she whispered, turning her head slightly to rest her cheek against his chest. The steady rhythm of his heart soothed her.  
  
“For making it all so complicated for you.”  
  
“It’s not you Chakotay, it’s me. In hindsight, it has always been me.” She felt him loosen his grip on her, but she wanted to stay like this for a minute longer. “Don’t let go” she insisted.  
  
“I won’t." He rested his head on top of hers and she closed her eyes. It was like two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together and that’s what made it all so difficult for her.  
Although it was crystal clear, she didn’t know what to do. They were in a complete new situation, nothing to keep them from pursuing what they clearly both wanted, but still…  
  
Suddenly she couldn’t resist the urge anymore and turned her head upwards, surprising them both when she kissed him. At first it was only the touch of lips, the feeling of skin to skin contact. Then she pushed up on her toes, intensifying the pressure and deepening the kiss. Her hand snuck around his neck and pulled him even closer.  
Kathryn felt scared and confident at the same time. The mixed feelings made her feel dizzy and just when she thought her knees would give in, Chakotay tightened his grip on her and held her up and close to him, practically fusing them together.  
They parted but stayed standing there, foreheads touching, breaths keeping those lips warm and ready.  
  
“I feel…”  
  
“Kathryn.”  
  
“Shhh… It’s okay. I feel… alive, Chakotay. I feel free. For the first time in a long time, I feel free. Free to do what I have been wanting to do for a while now. Kiss you, hold you and…” Chakotay silenced her by claiming her lips for another kiss, this time more urgent that before.  
Kathryn opened her lips and tasted her tears on his. Then she tasted him and the feeling it provoked deep inside her, made her feel like she was ready to explode. She lightly pushed against his chest, making them break contact. She closed her eyes to get her bearings back, and then opened them to find him staring at her in what she read as fear.  
That was the last thing she wanted him to feel. This was good and she needed him to know that. Finally feeling ready, she wasn’t going to waste the moment. She lowered her hand to his and took it, lifting it to her face, pressing her cheek to it. Chakotay instinctively did the same with his other hand and she closed her eyes, smiling. Her face turned serious again and she looked up at him. In a soft voice, barely a whisper, she tells him “Make love to me, Chakotay.”  
He waited a moment, as if he didn’t quite understand what she had just said. Maybe he was assessing the situation, making sure that she was sure. After all, this was a huge step for her to make. She understood that too but she was ready, more than ever.

  


They never made it to either of their beds. In the midst of their discarded clothes, they lay on the floor. Luckily there had been a blanket within reaching distance, which Chakotay now wrapped around her cooling shoulder. Kathryn snuggled a little closer to him, needing to feel as much of him as she could. He lazily traced a path up and down her arm, loving the feel of her body pressed into his side. It felt better than he could have imagined.  
He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes, drawing in her scent. “That was…”  
  
“Amazing, hot and definitely to be repeated” she finished for him and couldn’t help but smile at her boldness.  
Chakotay chuckled. This woman was hardly ever at a loss for words, one of the things he loved about her. “Definitely.” He approved of that thought.  
She suddenly tensed and Chakotay couldn’t help but think she already regretted what they had done. He held still, his arm still wrapped around her, and waited not entirely sure for what. Her retreat, apologies, excuses, anger, tears? Nothing happened, nothing was said. He dared to break the silence, “Penny for your thoughts.”  
Kathryn propped herself up on her elbow and looked into his eyes. “There has to be a catch, Chakotay.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Every time I feel like this… when I feel happy, there is always something to ruin it.” Her eyes looked sad and Chakotay’s heart went out to her. “I feel happy enough for it to be ruined, how silly does that sound?” she smiled, but the bitterness behind her words stung.  
  
“Nothing will ruin this. It’s just the two of us here. No one to impress, no one to answer to, no one to come in between. Perhaps the primate, but I think I can handle him. I’m bigger.” Chakotay joked to lighten the mood and it worked. She smiled again and shook her head before she lay down on his chest.  
  
“He’s no match for you, that’s true.” He felt her relax again.  
  
“We’ll take this one step at a time. We’re good at that. Besides, we have all the time in the world. Our world.” He felt her smile against his chest and couldn’t help but feel content and at ease.  
  
=/\=


	2. Ghost in the mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to lose yourself...

Chakotay felt awful. As soon as he opened his eyes, nausea hit him and he had to move fast. Not making it to the toilet, the sink was the next best thing to empty his stomach.  
On shaky legs, he reached for a towel and wiped his face after splashing some cool water on it. He looked up into the mirror and couldn’t believe he was looking at his own reflection. Pale skin, bloodshot eyes and dark circles underneath. A ghostly image of the man he was.  
  
“Computer, what’s the time?” he asked hoarsely.  
  
_“It is currently 03h44.”_  
  
He had only slept for two hours and his shift started in another two. He had to get some more sleep or a miracle cure for how he was feeling.  
He knew there was no such thing. What could cure heartache?  
He crawled back into bed and curled up into a ball, hugging his pillow. Tears pricked his eyes but he refused to let them go. She wasn’t worth crying for anymore.  
  
  
The alarm startled him. He had just fallen asleep or that's how it felt. He dragged himself out of bed, put on his uniform jacket and tried to make something decent of himself by brushing his teeth and combing his hair. Checking in the mirror he realized he still looked like crap and she would definitely notice.  
  
To make his morning worse, he bumped into Tom in the turbo lift.  
  
“Sorry to tell you man, but you look like hell.”  
  
“Thanks.” He gave him a glare before staring at the floor.  
  
“Are you alright Chakotay? Tom asked concerned. Chakotay sighed heavily, but didn’t answer. Much to his relief, Tom left it at that and kept quiet.  
  
When they arrived at the bridge, he saw her standing at the railing looking at something on the view screen. His heart started pounding heavily in his chest, a mixture of hurt and anger clouding his mind. He clenched his fists and held his breath.  
  
“Are you coming?” Tom asked, startling him.  
  
“I’m going to sickbay, I’m not feeling well.” He said and ordered the lift to deck 5. The last thing he saw was Tom’s questioning look as the doors hissed shut.  
  
  
=/\=  
  
“Commander, come see this!” Janeway said, but didn’t turn around.  
  
>“Sorry Captain, just me” Tom answered. Janeway glanced over her shoulder with a questioning look. “Commander wasn’t feeling well. He’s on his way to sickbay.”  
  
“Oh.” Worry was written all over her face.  
  
“Given the way he looked, probably not a bad idea. Maybe it was something he ate? Neelix’s cooking can sometimes turn on you, you know.” He tried to joke.  
  
Janeway gave him a small smile. “Let’s hope it’s nothing too serious.” She said and looked back up at the view screen. A knot started to form in her stomach…


	3. Cold Shower

_36 hours earlier, the night they got back on Voyager._  
  
“Come in” she said and mentally braced herself for the conversation she was about to have.  
Chakotay walked in, his beautiful smile gracing his features as he walked up to her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She immediately tensed and he noticed.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
“Let’s sit down, shall we?” she avoided his eyes and turned to sit on the couch. He seated himself next to her, too close for comfort and she abruptly stood back up.  
  
“We need to talk.” The slightest quiver in her voice made her unsure about her determination in having this particular conversation.  
  
“Okay.” Chakotay simply said and remained seated. He could clearly sense her distress. He was that kind of man -- her friend, her lover -- to notice these little things about her.  
  
“Do you know the saying: ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Chakotay, what happened on New Earth… can’t happen here on Voyager.” Saying the words felt as awful and wrong as thinking them. She didn’t want this, she wanted him, what they had, but it just couldn’t be.  
  
“Kathryn.” He whispered. He was standing right behind her, she hadn’t even heard him get up and move closer. His hand came to rest on her shoulder and he gently motioned for her to turn around. Her eyes were closed when she did, not trusting herself in the moment.  
  
“Why?” The hurt in his voice cut into her like a knife. Bile rose in her throat and tears pricked behind her eyelids. She swallowed hard and took a moment to brace herself for the impact.  
  
“Because Chakotay, it can’t.” She didn’t want to say more because she would hate herself for lying to him. All this, it was all a lie, but it had to be. Being the Captain on Voyager demanded this from her. Starfleet rules demanded this from her. Her heart demanded something entirely different but her heart had to stop fighting. She felt so tired she thought she would pass out. When she opened her eyes, he was no longer standing in front of her. She heard the hiss of her door and turned around just in time to see him walk out.


	4. Down, down, down he goes...

_Present day._

 

“Commander, what a surprise. How can I be of assistance?” The Doctor asked when Chakotay entered Sickbay.

“I don’t feel well. My head is killing me and my stomach doesn’t agree with me either” he grunted.

The EMH pulled out his tricorder and did a scan to determine what the problem was. “Hmm.” He gave Chakotay a dismissive look.

“What?” Chakotay growled.

“Commander, just how much did you have to drink last night?”

“None of your business!”

The Doctor put away his tricorder and crossed his arms over his chest, ready for his lecture. “You are hung-over, hardly a medical issue I’d say."

“Can’t you just give me an analgesic so I can be on my way? I don’t need you telling me off.”

“Fine.” The EMH gave in and prepared a hypo spray, which he injected in Chakotay’s neck. Chakotay rubbed the tingling spot and turned to leave. “I guess I won’t be making a report on this” The Doctor yelled after him, but Chakotay was already out the door.

 

The hypospray had cleared his ‘symptoms’ by the time he got to the bridge. Without saying a word he sat down in his chair and started checking things on the console. Janeway watched him, silently waiting for him to tell her something, anything, but it became clear to her he wasn’t going to start any conversation.

“Is everything alright?” she tried carefully, leaning in a bit closer.

“Peachy” he said bluntly and kept reading a report.

“Chakotay” she insisted and was about to put her hand on his arm, but he pulled away and stood up.

“I’m going on rounds” he simply stated and left without even looking at her.

“Report to me in my Ready Room when you’re finished.” She ordered and let him go. Maybe his mood would improve elsewhere. She too wasn’t in the mood to argue. Her headache was killing her and her chest hurt. She took a deep breath and stood. Turning over command of the Bridge to Tuvok, she retreated to her Ready Room. Hopefully some peace and quiet would improve how she was feeling, but she just couldn’t switch off her mind or her feelings about all of this.

=/\=

 

Janeway’s chime rang, so she bid entry to whoever was at the door. She was expecting Chakotay, but Tom walked in instead. “Tom?” she addressed.

“Captain, I have a favor to ask you” He started, clearly feeling a tad nervous.

“Go ahead.” She leaned back in her chair and clasped her hands together.

“I was wondering if you would consider coming to a party I’m planning for Harry’s birthday.”

“I’d be delighted” she beamed. Anything to get her mind off of everything else. “What kind of party are you planning?” she asked, knowing very well what Tom was capable of regarding parties.

“Nothing too fancy. A dance party with some food and drinks. Something everyone will enjoy.” He smiled.

“Why am I not buying that?” Janeway laughed, but waved it off when she realized he wasn’t going to tell her anyway. “I’ll be sure to leave in time for the real party to start.” She winked and sat back up to read her report again.

“Captain I’m not…” she stopped him by raising her free hand. “Thank you” he smiled. “Oh, and it’s a surprise, so…” He made a zipping gesture on his lips.

“Noted!” Tom turned to leave. “Tom?”

“Yes Captain?” he turned back, almost losing his balance. “Have you seen Chakotay? I was expecting him, but he hasn’t reported to me yet.”

“Sorry Captain, I haven’t. Maybe he fell ill again? Shall I check sickbay on my way down?” he suggested.

“I’ve already checked with the Doctor, but he hasn’t seen him since this morning. I don’t want to bother him over the comm. Maybe you could check his quarters?” she gave him an indirect order.

“Will do! I’ll keep you posted.” He assured her and left.

=/\=

 

“Chakotay, are you there?” Tom shouted when Chakotay didn’t answer after the third chime. He was just about to give up when the doors opened.

Hesitantly and a little suspiciously he entered the fairly dark quarters. “Chakotay?” he tried, before he saw some movement in the recliner in the middle of the room. “Why is it so dark in here?”

“Lights to 50%.” Chakotay ordered with a raspy voice.

Tom walked around and was surprised to see his superior officer in only his sweats and a tank, drinking what looked like bourbon. “Bit early for that, don’t you think?”

Chakotay just glared at him. “What do you want Tom?”

“The Captain asked me to check in on you since you didn’t bother coming in after you rounds.”

“I was sick.” Chakotay simply stated and emptied his glass in one gulp.

Tom frowned and shook his head. “Okay…”

“Anything else?” Chakotay asked as he got up out of his chair.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Chakotay shrugged.

“What’s happened Chakotay? Women getting you down?” Tom tried to break the tension.

Chakotay laughed bitterly, but that quickly faded. “Don’t they always” he muttered under his breath. “Actually, you know what? I think I want to be alone.” He grabbed his glass and bottle.

“What? With that?” Tom did a double take.

“Yeah, with this.” He said and disappeared into his bedroom.

=/\=

 

Tom struggled with the idea of Chakotay getting himself drunk and letting it interfere with his job. How was he supposed to tell the Captain? It would taint their trust in each other. He had to do something to try and get him out of this mess, before he would tell Janeway.

“Paris to Captain Janeway.”

“Janeway here.” She answered, a little too quickly for his liking.

“I went by the Commander's quarters and as I suspected, he’s still feeling unwell.” He winged it.

“I hope it’s nothing too serious. I haven’t heard about anything going around.”

“It’s probably something he ate yesterday. I warned him about Neelix’s special.” He closed his eyes, hoping she hadn’t paid a visit to the mess hall the day before.

“Probably. THAT I have heard going around before. Thank you Tom.”

“I’ll check on him again tomorrow morning before our shift” he offered.

“Keep me posted. Janeway out.” Tom let out the breath he was holding. She bought it. Now the only thing was getting Chakotay out of his state of mind and ready for his next shift in the morning.


	5. Who's that stranger I used to know...

Chakotay set down the glass and bottle on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked at the drawer and felt anger building up inside him. He opened it and took out a framed picture of him and Kathryn. The Doctor had taken that one at some party. He couldn’t remember when, but it sure was better times back then. Before…

He closed his eyes and remembered how at peace he finally felt when they had kind of settled down in their new ‘home’. A cracking sound and a sharp pain brought him back to the present. He looked down at the broken glass in the frame, blood trickling from his thumb over Kathryn’s face. He flung the frame back into the drawer and closed it with a loud bang. He got up and walked to his bathroom to clean off the blood on his hands. He avoided looking into the mirror, not wanting to see his own ghostly reflection again. After tending to his wound, he went back into his bedroom and sat down, taking the bottle of bourbon. He didn’t even bother to use his glass anymore.

=/\=

 

The pounding on the door increased the pounding in his head as he slowly woke from his sleep.

“Go away!” he yelled and turned over, but they were insistent. He crawled out of his bed and had a hard time staying upright while moving to the door. Who had the nerve? “Paris, what do you want?” he grunted and had to steady himself with one hand against the bulkhead.

“Seriously? Shift starts in 20 minutes. Thought you’d want to know and… you smell like a distillery, man.” He wrinkled up his nose.

“Watch it Paris or I’ll…” he started but Tom cut him off.

“Or you’ll what? Put me on report? Jeezes, are you serious? Based on? Telling you to suck it up and get yourself together?”

Chakotay was done listening and just turned around, walking back to his bedroom. “Whatever” He muttered before he let himself fall face down on the bed.

“What do I tell the Captain?” Tom asked after following him.

He just wouldn’t let up. “What did you tell her before?” he asked, turning his head a little.

“That you were sick. Something you ate.”

“Stick with that and leave me the hell alone.” Chakotay raised his voice. Tom shook his head and wanted to say something, but left it at that. There was no reasoning with this guy, not in this state anyway.

=/\=

 

After Tom’s update, Kathryn started to wonder about Chakotay’s absence. She couldn’t help but think this was all about something else entirely. Something she was struggling with too.

Didn’t he understand? Didn’t he know this hurt her too, but she didn’t have a choice? It just had to be this way. Her mind wandered off.

_“A boat? You built me a boat?” Static noise, Tuvok, relief, sadness, silence…_

Sorrow marked her features and she swallowed past the lump in her throat. She stood up from her chair and passed command of the Bridge to Tom.

“Aye Captain” He acknowledged and waited for her to disappear into the turbo lift.

“Paris to Chakotay.” Nothing. “Chakotay! You’d better hear this. I think she’s on her way.” He truly hoped he got the message.

=/\=

 

Janeway was genuinely concerned for Chakotay’s health. It had to be serious for him to not attend his shifts for three days in a row. She rang his chime once, twice, but with no reaction. “Computer, locate Commander Chakotay.”

_“Commander Chakotay is in his quarters”_ It stated.

She started to feel uneasy. “Chakotay?” she called out. A bang and some cursing.

“Damn it, what?!” she heard him yell.

“Are you okay?”

“No! Just leave me alone, will you!” he shot back at her. “Hell no…” she heard him curse, then an odd gurgling sound.

She overrode the lock code and entered his quarters. “Lights on!” she ordered so she could at least see where she was going. She heard water running in his bathroom.

What she saw there, threw her for a moment. Chakotay as white as a sheet with bloodshot eyes. She was at his side in one quick stride when she noticed his imbalance, putting her arms around his waist to steady him.

“Don’t touch me!” he growled and pushed her away. The force he used caused her to crash hard into the wall and him to fall to the floor. Janeway slid down, wincing as she touched the back of her head.

“Hey, watch it!” she shot at him.

“I said to leave me the hell alone!” he bit back.

She then noticed the state he was in. “Are you drunk?” she asked as she stood back up.

“What’s it to you?” He too tried to get up but failed miserably.

Janeway offered her hand to help him, which he slapped away. “Commander!” she raised her voice. She'd had enough of this. “What the hell is your problem?”

“YOU!”

“Excuse me?” she crossed her arms in front of her chest and glared at him.

“You heard me.” Chakotay said and settled against the opposite wall, not capable of getting up. Janeway squatted down to his level and just looked at him. She had never imagined he could sink so low. She understood he was hurting too, but this is just what she had tried to avoid. This is why things had to end on board Voyager. This unprofessional behavior, this…

She felt angry, hurt and sorry for him. She felt sick. All she wanted was him, to be happy with him and all she did was hurt him. But what was she supposed to do? “Get yourself together!” was all she said before she stood up and left.


	6. Well, hello there...

“Captain on the bridge.” Harry announced.

She stormed in and headed directly for her Ready Room. “Mr. Paris, in here. Now!” she barked. Tom winced, knowing exactly what this was all about. Reluctantly he rose from his chair and headed for the Ready Room, ignoring the curious look from Harry.

As soon as the doors closed behind him, Janeway turned around and looked angrily at him.

“Captain I…” he started but she stopped him by raising her hand.

Pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes she took a deep breath before she spoke, her voice low and unsteady. “Did you know? Were you covering for him?” She opened her eyes and waited for his answer.

“Yes.” He admitted. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because this is all very unlike him. I thought...hoped...he would realize that too and… clearly he hasn’t yet.” He tried to explain.

“He was drunk, Tom. He was so drunk he couldn’t stand on his feet. And aggressive…”she reached up and touched the sore spot at the back of her head.

“He hit you?” Tom was taken aback and was starting to feel angry for trying to cover Chakotay’s ass.

“No, he didn’t. He pushed me away when I tried to help him. It’s nothing, but he did scare me. I don’t know him like that at all.” Tension started to build up inside her again.

“Me neither.”

“Has he said anything else to you that might explain this radical behavior?”

“Women getting him down.” He shrugged. The knot in Janeway’s stomach tightened even further. “Captain?” Tom drew her attention back.

“That is all Tom. I’ll leave it for now. I’ll go try and talk to him later, hopefully when he’s sobered up a little.” Tom nodded and left the Ready Room. Janeway turned to the view port and looked at the stars, hoping some clarity hid among them. Why did it upset him this much? Why couldn’t he just understand?

=/\=

 

Janeway had thought of nothing else but Chakotay. She took a fortifying breath and rang his chime, somewhat fearing what she would discover behind the doors. When they opened, she was surprised to see him sitting on the couch with a steaming mug in his hands. She only entered far enough for the doors to close behind her. He was staring at the cup in his hands, avoiding eye contact.

“Why are you here?” he asked.

“Because we need to talk.”

“Talk about what, Kathryn? You’ve said all there was to say. With one simple…” his voice faltered. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Anger boiled up inside her.

“Simple? You really think that? You have no idea.” She fell silent.

“Whatever Kathryn.”

“Chakotay, talk to me, please.” She insisted and took a few steps towards him, but stopped when she saw him clench his fist.

“There’s no point, can’t you see that? You’ve made things pretty clear once we got back on Voyager. It’s like…” he stopped again, putting his fist to his mouth. She waited for him to continue. “New Earth changed me, changed how I thought my future would look like. I even believed it changed you as well."

“It did.” She whispered and swallowed hard. “Chakotay…” her voice was shaky.

“No!” he yelled. “Don’t you dare! Keep your Starfleet B.S. and finally start listening to your heart.”

“I can’t…” she whispered again. She didn’t trust her voice anymore. Tears started to form and threatened to spill, but she wouldn’t let them. She tried her best.

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t trust myself anymore once I do.” She turned her head to look at the stars, searching for her reassurance. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him stand and walk towards her.

“What do you mean?” he placed his hand on her shoulder and felt her tremble under his touch.

“How can I possibly run this ship, guide this crew home, and do my work with the constant fear of losing you?” she dared to look up at him again.

Chakotay closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. “I’ll teach you, because that’s what I have done since… always. I do it every day, still. Has this ever affected my work? Have you ever noticed me losing my professionalism while… loving you? Until now that is…” He stepped in front of her, the last sentence barely a whisper. As she looked up into his eyes, she felt the tears running down her cheeks.

“Oh Chakotay” She whispered and placed her hands on his chest. He covered them with his and closed the distance between them.

“Kathryn, this is possible, if you just let it” He said calmly and enveloped her in his strong arms. Kathryn closed her eyes and buried her face in his broad chest. She inhaled his scent and felt a blanket of peace covering her. The constant sickening feeling inside her dissipated.

After a few minutes he slowly pulled away from her, but didn’t let go. Instead, his hands took her face. “I’m going to kiss you now. I promise nothing is going to happen. Voyager and its crew will still be here, safely on our way home” He said softly and inch by inch came closer to her tear covered lips. Kathryn’s eyes fluttered close and her lips parted just a little before his mouth covered them in a soft kiss. They felt warm and he tasted like herbs, from his tea. For a moment, she forgot everything and just let it all befall her.

“I love you!” he breathed against her lips. “I will never stop loving you! And I hope to show and tell you every day from now on.”

A tingling sensation in her abdomen made her gasp and before her mind took over, her heart spoke, "and I love you too.”

Chakotay claimed her lips again and she could taste the saltiness of his tears. Her hands snuck around his neck and she pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss and finally giving in to the feeling she had tucked firmly away the minute they had boarded Voyager again.

When they broke for air, she felt like the world had been lifted from her shoulders. “We can do this?”

“We can definitely do this, Kathryn. Just give it the chance it deserves, the chance we deserve!” She could form no more words; she simply nodded and let him take her to bed.

=/\=


	7. Shut up and dance with me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sprung to mind after listening to the song: Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon...

_About a week later…_

 

He had to admit, he had been a bit reluctant to accept the invitation but Tom had insisted, telling him it would be 'awesome' and 'wait till you see all the women in the short skirts'. He finally gave in, not at the mention of the short skirts, but when Tom told him that 'even the Captain' was coming. He was intrigued. He would have thought Tom’s pitch surely would have made her run for the nearest exit.

So now he was getting ready, just out of the shower, cleanly shaved and wondering what to wear to a 50’s dance party. “Computer, display Earth 1950’s clothing.”

_Chirp_.

“You have got to be kidding?” Jeans, leather jackets, how was anyone supposed to dance in a leather jacket. “Computer, display Earth 1950’s formal clothing.”

_Chirp_.

“Hmm, okay, that’s more like it.” Chakotay replicated himself a tuxedo; black trousers, dark grey vest with black collar and black side and front pockets and a matching black tie. A simple white shirt and black, shiny shoes completed the look. He looked himself once over in the mirror and actually felt good about this look. Sophisticated and handsome, if he did say so himself. He had the look, but wasn’t so sure about the dancing part.

=/\=

 

Chakotay was talking to Neelix, complimenting him on the fine finger food he had managed to provide for Tom’s 1950’s dance party, while looking around the room. Tom startled him by slapping him on the back, almost making him choke on his hors d’ouvre.

“Well, what do you think? Isn’t this great? I’ve always wanted my own ‘prom’.” He smiled broadly.

“So a 50’s dance party is a prom?”

“Not exactly, but the setting seemed appropriate. Have you ever seen the movie ‘Grease’?”

“I can’t say I have.”

“I love that movie! The cars, the clothing, the music… Look,” he took a step back, “John Travolta!” The jeans, the leather jacket and a very tight white t-shirt. Even the white, visible socks and cowlick. Chakotay had seen this look and passed on it, but Tom wore it well.

“He wasn’t blonde if I recall the picture.” Chakotay smiled.

“Details, details. Harry!” He suddenly shouted.

“Wow, Commander, nice tux! Classy.”

“Thanks, Harry. You look…”

“Like a preppy schoolboy, I know, Tom’s idea. He thought the look would suit me.” Harry rolled his eyes. Jeans and a white t-shirt, but instead of a tough leather jacket, he wore some kind of cream-colored sports vest with red trimmings and a large red number 3 on the back.

“He was right.” Chakotay couldn't help himself and had to hold back a laugh. Harry shook his head and crossed his arms in front of him.

Suddenly Tom and Harry’s mouths fell open in awe and Chakotay followed their gaze until he saw who or what had shut them up so quickly. He mimicked their reaction and mentally had to slap himself as the object of their foolish behavior walked over to them. Tom whistled and Harry almost choked on air as their Captain joined them. She wore a red, short halter-top dress with white polka dots and matching red shoes. Her hair was up in a bun, but in a classic 50’s way with a red scarf as a tiara.

“Wow! Just… wow!” Tom exclaimed. Chakotay noticed the pink shade coloring her cheeks and actually had to smile when she batted her lashes while looking down at her shoes. She looked hot and she knew it, but played the act just right.

“Well thank you, Tom. You look quite handsome yourself.” Tom grabbed the front of his jacket and struck a pose. Harry nudged him in the ribs and rolled his eyes.

“Let’s go, Travolta! Help me set up for the band. Captain, Commander.” Harry nodded and made his retreat.

“Why Commander, you brushed up nicely. Very classy” She said while adjusting his tie a bit.

“Thanks, I can’t get used to this thing though.” he answered and made a face while pulling at his collar.

“Take it off.”

“Excuse me?”

“If it bothers you, take it off.” The look in her eyes when she spoke, made the hair on his back stand up. There was this silkiness he had never heard before. He had to admit he liked it. He took off the tie as suggested and immediately felt liberated of the constricted feeling. He unbuttoned the top two buttons and rolled his shoulders to straighten his jacket. Kathryn visibly swallowed and shivered as he did and he was intrigued. He looked down and saw nothing in particular, just him in a tux, showing off half of his tanned chest. Oh…

“Would you like a drink?” he asked, trying to get her attention back. 

"Wha… yes, definitely, yes.” Chakotay offered his arm and placed his hand on hers as they linked arms. They walked to the ‘bar’ and nodded to the crew as they passed by. They both took a drink and turned to look at the gathered crowd.

He glanced sideways and noticed her relaxed state. It was a sight to cherish, for it was very rare in public. “You look beautiful, Kathryn.” The way she looked up into his eyes took his breath away. Never before had he seen the shade of blue locking with his brown. His heart skipped a beat and he almost forgot to breathe all together. What was the setting doing to them? Was is the secret of their relationship?

A smile graced her features as she took his hand, leading him to the floor. He looked around and noticed the confused looks on the crew's faces, mirroring his own confused look. She gently grabbed his chin and made him look at her. “Dance with me.”

‘Gladly.’ He thought and grabbed her hand, assuming the position. He glanced sideways, nodding to Harry, and the music started. Great minds think alike and a slow beat filled the room. Just perfect. Chakotay pulled her closer by gently placing his free hand on the small of her back. He could feel her heart racing against his chest, her breathing shallow and unsteady. She tensed suddenly, her eyes turning an even more intoxicating shade of blue. Her lips trembled, but her smile never faded.

“This sure feels like we’ve done this before, doesn’t it?” he tested how far he could go.

“Shut up and dance with me.” Was all she said and gave in to the moment.

Everything and everyone around them seemed to disappear. The only sound was their hearts beating to the rhythm they were dancing to. Deep in her eyes, he saw his future. He suddenly realized this might be the one and only chance.

He started to say something but she cut him off. “I said shut up and dance with me.” He tried, really tried, but he couldn’t look away. Neither did she. Their eyes locked on each other. He read every single word in them, crystal clear, but what was he supposed to do? Here they were dancing, close together, all eyes on them.

“You’re my destiny, Kathryn, why keep us a secret any longer? I love you and I want everyone to know.” He whispered, hoping she would hear him over the music. Tears welled up in her eyes, so he was sure she had.

“Chakotay,” she croaked.

“This dance, you and me together, here… I can’t help myself, I need to do something Kathryn.” Her face showed the slightest signs of terror, but mixed with something else. Want? Need?

“I’m trying so hard, Chakotay, not to cry right now. You can’t even begin to imagine what I want to do right now.”

“I’m sure I can.”

“But we can’t.”

“And that’s royally pissing me off right now. Excuse the language.” She had to smile at the comment and a tear slipped down from her eye. She very quickly wiped it away, totally uncomfortable with the whole situation. The song was nearing its end, but Chakotay refused to let go of her. He gritted his teeth when she tried to step away from him. “I’m going to kiss you.” He stated.

“No.”

“Yes. Right now.” He leaned in closer, she tried to back away. He wouldn’t have it, she seemed to give in. He softly brushed his lips against hers. She closed her eyes then they kissed. The room actually went silent for real.

When Chakotay pulled back, looking at Kathryn, he was surprised by the look on her face. The terror from before had vanished completely and she seemed… content… if only for a brief moment. She suddenly realized where they were, who they were with and ran away. He hadn’t expected this latest move at all. ‘Not this again’ was all he thought.

=/\=


	8. A surprise the size of a pea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry... this is where some of you might start rolling their eyes...  
> I'm a sucker for a storyline like this...

“Ahaa, so that was the woman getting you down.” Tom wiggled his eyebrows.

“Where did she go?” B’Elanna asked.

“Oh I don’t know. She’s doing my head in with this. “

“What do you mean?” Tom asked then.

“Kathryn was convinced that being together while captaining Voyager is something that can’t happen. I finally got her to change her mind, but now she seems unsure again. She worried about protocol, worried about the crew, what they might think.” Chakotay tried to explain.

“More than half of the crew thought you guys were already an item. I’m sure there’ll be some opposed to it, but no one can expect even the two of you to put your life on hold. I understand her point of view, but come on…” Tom told him, knowing all of this as most of the betting pools about it were his idea.

“Tell her that.”

“I’m going to look for her, see if she’s alright” B’Elanna said and left the two men, in search for her Captain.

 

“Computer, locate Captain Janeway.”

_“Captain Janeway is in turbolift 1.”_

B’Elanna pressed the lifts button and waited for it to arrive. When the doors hissed open, she got somewhat alarmed at seeing Janeway leaning against the opposite wall, hands on her knees and head down. “Captain, are you alright?” she asked and stepped into the lift.

“No, I feel faint.” B’Elanna touched Janeway's back and placed her hand on her arm.

“Maybe you should lie down, get your feet in the air to restore your bloodflow.” They managed to lay down on the floor and B’Elanna checked Janeway's pulse. It was racing and she looked very pale. “Sickbay” B’Elanna ordered. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. Excitement? You saw what happened.” Janeway rolled her eyes.

“As did everyone else, yes. Good excitement or…” she tried.

“I wasn’t ready for making this public. I’m still fighting my own inner battles. I don’t know if I can handle all the questions and opinions of everyone else” Janeway explained while covering her eyes with her arm.

“There’ll always be questions and opinions, and I understand they matter a great deal to you, but maybe you should know that a fairly large part of the crew are maybe more okay with this than you are. Some have thought this has already been going on for ages, others don’t have an opinion. I bet there’ll be a few who will question this, but it’s your life. And we’ve been here a long time. Couples are forming and more will follow, why not you?”

“Because I’m the Captain and my priorities lie with this crew and getting us home, not with my personal life.” Janeway opened her eyes to look at B’Elanna.

She smiled, “I’m sure you can manage both if you gave it a try.” B’Elanna placed her hand on Janeway’s shoulder, who sighed deeply. Even B’Elanna was convinced this could be.

The lift arrived at deck 5. B’Elanna helped Janeway up and held on tight to her while walking to sickbay. Janeway was still unsteady on her feet.

“State the nature… Captain?” the Doctor turned around and helped Janeway up onto the nearest biobed.

“She felt faint and her heart is racing.” B’Elanna updated him. Janeway’s head kept spinning, even when lying down. She was starting to feel nauseous.

“I feel sick.” She managed. The Doctor scanned her with his tricorder. Without saying anything, he prepared a hypo spray and injected its contents. She immediately felt the nausea fade away, the spinning in her head subsided and she sighed in relief. “Much better, thank you. Skipping lunch hadn’t been the brightest idea of the day.”

She sat up and looked at the Doctor. He clearly had something on his mind. “What?”

“I’d like to discuss something with you in private.” He said and looked at B’Elanna.

“I’ll wait outside.” The younger woman said and left sickbay.

“What is it?” Janeway immediately asked when they were alone. The concern on the Doctor's face made her a little agitated.

“I don’t know how else to say this, then to just say it Captain. You are pregnant.”

Did she hear him right? It couldn’t be. What was he telling her? What did he just say? “Come again?”

“About six weeks.” he looked at her apologetically.

“There must be a mistake. I can’t be… that’s not possible.” She couldn’t say it.

“You were on that planet then. Your boosters could have been counteracted by the virus you were infected with.” Janeway sat there, dumbfounded and numb. A relationship, that was something the crew could handle but a pregnancy? She couldn’t even believe it. “Do you want to see your little pea?”

“My what?”

“Your baby is the size of a pea now. To give you an idea of what is growing inside you.” He tapped in a few codes and the image appeared. Janeway looked at it in disbelief. She didn’t know what to say or do. This was all too much to take in at once. Unconsciously her hand came to rest on her belly and she was shaken out of her reverie by her own touch.

“I have to tell Chakotay.” She whispered and slowly slid off the bio bed.

“Wait a moment.” The EMH prepared another hypo spray and injected her with it. “Vitamins and folic acid are very important at this stage. No alcohol, lots of nutritious foods and cut back on the coffee intake.” Simple and straightforward instructions. Maybe they would stick.

“Thank you.” She said and left sickbay.

B’Elanna was waiting outside, just as she had said. Janeway was glad she was there, but wasn’t at the same time. Her dirty little secret was playing with her emotions and she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to keep them in check until she was safely behind the doors of her quarters. “Everything alright, Captain?” B’Elanna asked.

“Yes, fine, thank you. I feel tired, I think I’m going to turn in for the night. Tell Tom I’m sorry, I won’t be attending the party anymore.”

“Okay. Sure. Shall I send Chakotay to your quarters when I see him?”

“That would be wonderful, thank you.” B’Elanna nodded once, sensing something was off with the Captain, but also realizing it was not her place to be questioning her about it.

“Goodnight Captain.”

“Goodnight.” Both women parted in opposite directions. Janeway couldn’t be inside her quarters fast enough.

 

Grateful for the quiet and darkness in her quarters, Janeway sat down on her couch and looked out at the stars.

Pregnant.

She still couldn’t believe it. Suddenly all her emotions tried to get the best of her. A smile crept across her face, tears filled her eyes and fear settled over her. One hand covering her belly, the other covering her mouth, she started crying. Uncontrollable sobbing mixed with laughter, an odd sound to hear even to her own ears, but she couldn’t stop. Chakotay entered her quarters and was by her side in a flash, wrapping her in his arms to try and soothe her.

“What’s going on with you? Talk to me.” He stroked her back and kissed her temple.

“I’m so scared.” She managed between sobs.

“Scared of what? What did the Doctor say to you? Are you ill?”

“No, not at all. I’m… very… healthy, but…” He patiently waited for her to calm down some more. She pushed away from him slightly to look into his eyes, her tear streaked face lighting up with her smile, her lips still trembling. “I’m also very… pregnant.” The smile faded, fearful of his reaction. Chakotay’s eyes widened, but not in shock. He looked down at her lower abdomen, let go of her hand and placed his on the spot he was looking at. When he looked up into her eyes again, she could see he was struggling not to smile.

“Are you okay with this? Are you happy?”

“Yes, I am…” The words had been barely spoken before Chakotay’s smile broke free and he wrapped her in his arms again.

“Oh Kathryn, my sweet Kathryn. I love you so much.” He whispered in her ear and kissed her neck before burying his face in the crook of it.

“But I’m also terrified.” The words got almost lost.

Chakotay reluctantly let go of her and looked in her already again tear-filled eyes. “I know. We can do this, I promise.”

Janeway quickly wiped away her tears, drew in a deep breath and smiled at him. “I hope so.” Chakotay felt for her. He knew she was happy, but he knew she wasn’t ready. Nothing of what was happening to her, to them, right now was how she pictured her life would go. They weren’t where they were supposed to be but then again, if they hadn’t been, none of this would be happening. They wouldn’t have met under the same circumstances that brought them where they are now, together, embarking on a personal journey, incomparable to the journey they were thrown in a few years ago. But he felt confident enough for the both of them. He truly believed that this was what the Spirits had install for him. For them both.


	9. Yes you can!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When I say I Iove you more, I don’t mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us. More than any fight we’ll ever have. I love you more than any obstacle that could try and come between us."  
> I'd love to know who's quote this is I used in this chapter...

Janeway sat, head in her hands, on the edge of the toilet. Only a moment before she had spewed up something horrible, the last remains of her midnight snack. She still felt queasy, but she held on to the fact that in an hour or so, it would be gone and she could slowly start her day. Chakotay entered the bathroom with a glass of cold water and she drank small sips to avoid upsetting her stomach even more.

“Better?”

“Hmm, a bit, thank you.”

“Can I get you anything else?”

“I’m fine.” A nasty burp escaped her lips and she looked up apologetically.

“Do you want me to leave or stay?”

“Stay, I’m okay now.” Her stomach settled and she actually started to feel a bit hungry.

He took her hand as she stood and let her walk into his comforting arms. “I love you.” He whispered into her hair and kissed the top of her head.

A small smile appeared on her face and she was grateful for having him so close. “I love you more.”

“Impossible.” He laughed and she marveled at how that sounded with her ear on his chest.

“When I say I Iove you more, I don’t mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us. More than any fight we’ll ever have. I love you more than any obstacle that could try and come between us.” To emphasize what she had just said, she stood up on her toes and kissed him. When they parted, the softest smile graced his features.

“I like it when you smile.” She caressed his cheeks with both her hands, tracing a line over his dimples. “But I love it when I’m the reason.” That made him smile even more and for just that split second, Janeway felt she could handle the world.

Suddenly Voyager shook violently, making them crash into each other.

“Kim to Captain Janeway.” She tapped her badge.

“Report.” “An alien vessel just de-cloaked off our port bow. Not responding to hails. Weapons still charged and ready to fire again.”

“I’m on my way.” And gone was the moment, gone was Kathryn. The Captain was ready and present for duty.

=/\=

 

“I think it’s time to make an announcement to the crew” Janeway said and turned to Chakotay, who was sitting on the sofa reading a PADD. He looked up at her, noticing her discomfort. “My uniform is getting too small. I’m starting to show, aren’t I?” She tried to suck in her stomach, but the effort made her feel uncomfortable.

“Not yet. Not if you don’t know about it. It just looks like you finally managed to balance your diet instead of skipping lunches and running on the black fuel.” He tried to lighten the mood.

“Do not mention coffee. I’m still withdrawing. Decaf… the taste of betrayal.”

“Want a cup?” The glare she shot at him would’ve scared the living daylights out of anyone on the ship, but Chakotay wasn’t fazed by it. Not anymore that was. The first week was hell, but then she gradually tempered down and now she wasn’t all that bad anymore. And all for coffee. She once told him she wasn’t addicted to coffee, they were in a committed relationship.

“Yes, thank you.”

“I’ll send a ship wide message for the announcement. Shuttle bay 1 at 14:00?”

“I hope I find my courage by then.”

Chakotay walked over to her with a steaming cup of ‘not-real-coffee’ and handed it to her before resting his hand on her shoulder. “You’ll be fine, I’ll be right there at your side.”

Her free hand covered his and she gave him a small smile. “You better.”

Chakotay felt the slightest quiver. He knew this was a huge thing for her to do. In her mind, telling the crew she was pregnant was exactly like saying she was egotistical and had put her needs before theirs. When word got around of their relationship, a few of the crew had made certain protests. Those few opinions mattered to her more than the blessings and okays from all the rest. She had herself to thank for that. You can try to do everything in your power to do right by everyone, but that’s the problem with putting others first all the time; you teach them you come second.

 

They stood together before the shuttle bay doors the same way they had done once before. She felt the same anxiety as then and had a hard time keeping her emotions in check. “Let’s do this” She whispered. She took a step forward but Chakotay held her back by placing his hand on her shoulder. She turned her head and looked at him. He gave her an encouraging look and nodded once. Then let go of her and followed her into the crowded shuttle bay. As soon as the crew noticed their presence, the noise filling the room died down.

“Thank you all for coming.” She started and took a fortifying breath to continue. “I know this may seem odd for me to have you all gathered here in the shuttle bay instead of giving a ship wide announcement over the comm., but I felt that what I’m about to say had to be said in person.” She looked at the crew, trying to address as many people as she could by making eye contact.

They were all so quiet, waiting, wondering… she needed to speak again. “As of today, I will no longer be your Captain.” With that statement, she didn’t only surprise her crew, but also Chakotay. She heard him gasp and could feel his eyes burning into her.

Sounds of disbelief arose from the crowd and before anyone had the chance to react, she continued. “Chakotay will be your acting Captain for the rest of our journey home for I don’t see myself fit to take on the task anymore. “

“Captain, why?” Harry stepped forward.

Janeway swallowed hard and opened her mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t form yet. She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them again and blurted out: “Because I’m pregnant.” Again ooohs and aaahs erupted from the crew standing before her.

The Senior Staff looked at each other and B’Elanna was the first to step forward to give her opinion. “And why does this interfere with being our Captain?”

“Because this means that my priorities have changed. How can I lead us home and be a mother at the same time?”

“Is Voyager still on a course to Earth?” came the question from somewhere in the crowd. Janeway tried to see from whom that question came, when Dalby stepped forward.

“Yes.” She answered a bit confused.

“So you’re still trying to get us home?” he asked again.

“Yes. We’re still trying to get us home. Only from now on, Chakotay will be making the decisions.”

“Has being pregnant impaired you in some way?” Again this question coming from somewhere in the crowd. She tried to put a face to the woman’s voice, but couldn’t seem to because she was a little offended by the bluntness of the question.

“No, it hasn’t” she said a bit angrily.

“Then why aren’t you fit enough to be our Captain?”

Janeway shook her head. She was at a loss for words. She hadn’t expected this kind of resistance.

“I think I can speak for the most of us when I say that you being pregnant isn’t something you should be punished for, let alone something to give up your position for. This is something to be celebrated. A new page in our book.” Dalby offered, 'hear hears' backing him up. “You are showing us that being here, in the D.Q., doesn’t mean we have to give up our lives. It gives us even more hope"

“I think it gives you even more determination to get us all home.” It was coming from everywhere, words of encouragement. She hadn’t expected this at all.

“Take a temporary step back when you need to, when the baby is born, but for now just keep doing what you are doing. Please.” That voice she recognized, Samantha. The only other crewmember who was also pregnant and still doing her job. Janeway’s throat closed for a moment and she felt the tears well up in her eyes. She placed a hand on her heart and nodded, not able to say anything. Again she felt Chakotay’s reassuring hand on her shoulder.

She managed to choke out “Okay” and the crowd erupted in cheers. Harry was the first to come up to her to congratulate her on the pregnancy. He even hugged her and she felt… good. Like a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Next was Tom, B’Elanna then Neelix, all of them were overjoyed with the news. This possibly wasn’t so bad after all.

=/\=

 

Feeling so nauseous it was hard to think of anything else, Janeway sat at the edge of the bed with her eyes closed, knuckles white and still as a statue. ‘Don’t move! Please, don’t move!’ she mentally willed her unborn child to be still and quiet too. It definitely had its mother’s stubborn streak, because all the willpower Janeway could muster up at that particular moment didn’t do a thing. The baby moved and she could feel her esophagus burn with acid. Swallowing hard, she made a last attempt at holding it down but to no avail. Finding her way in the dark, she managed to rush to the toilet just in time. “I’m so done with this” she whispered and pushed herself up from her knees. She cleaned her face with a cool washcloth and went back into the bedroom.

“Are you okay?” Chakotay asked.

“I’m fine. Just wished this morning-midday-evening sickness would pass. Preferably sooner rather than later.”

“I thought that would pass after the first trimester?” Chakotay pulled back the sheets for her to climb into bed again and snuggle close.

“Me too, but I’m well in the second already. Guess it’s just another thing I will have to get used to.” Janeway draped a hand over his chest and settled on his shoulder. Feeling a bit better, she closed her eyes, hoping for at least another hour to sleep before their day started. Her belly was pressed to his side. It wasn’t that big yet, but the curve was definitely noticeable and he loved the feel of it against him.

He felt a light flutter pass his lower ribs and smiled warmly. “I think I can feel her.” He whispered into Janeway’s hair.

“You can?” Another ripple.

“Yes, I thinks so.” He turned a little so that Janeway lay a little more flat and placed his free hand on her stomach. She adjusted his hand a bit, trying to find the spot where she had just felt it too. “That? Is that her?” he pressed down slightly and could feel it even better against his palm.

“Mhm, that’s him alright.” They both smiled, the radiance of it clear in the starlight.

Chakotay scooted down a little. “Hi beautiful baby. So there you are. I hear you’re giving your mommy a hard time.” Janeway felt the baby shift again as if it was trying to follow either Chakotay’s hand pressing down, or his warm voice.

“He’s listening.”

“Can I ask you a personal favor, my little one? Could you please give your mommy some rest? Her job is one of the hardest ones on this ship and when she hasn’t had enough sleep, we all suffer.” Chakotay tried to hide his smile, waiting for the reaction he knew was coming.

“You bet.” That wasn’t the retort he had expected and looked up in total surprise.“What? You’re right, I know that. That doesn’t mean though, I can change anything about it. Those damned hormones are messing with me.”

Chakotay scooted up again. “It’ll be all worth it, I promise.” He kissed the top of her nose. “Now, let’s get some sleep.” He settled beside her, his hand still on her abdomen, slightly caressing it with his thumb. The soothing rhythm seemed to calm both mom and child and soon he heard her breathing evenly in and out. He hoped her night would be good this time, as he did every evening.

=/\=


	10. Plus One

 

 

Janeway felt frustrated. Cooped up in the cargo bay like cattle, waiting for whatever Mahj Culluh had in stall for them. She knew it wouldn’t be good. With a thud, she felt Voyager touch ground. Chakotay grabbed her when she lost her balance, which wasn’t difficult in her current state. Very round, very pregnant. Within minutes, the whole crew was rounded up again and they started moving. Before they knew it, they were outside in the blistering sun. One by one, their comm. badges were taken away.

“A fitting end for a people who wouldn’t share their technology. Let’s see if you manage to survive without it.” Mahj Culluh smiled smugly.

They watched the Kazon return to the ship. “Alright. Let’s go. We’ve got to find water and shelter.” There was no time to sulk, she had to get everyone, including herself and the baby into safety. Chakotay hovered very close, the same intent in mind. Keeping her and the baby safe.

It was so hot, Kathryn found it hard to concentrate. She needed to make decisions fast, give clear orders so everyone knew what to do. She wasn’t in a position to just suck it up and keep going. Her back was killing her and there still wasn’t any form of shelter in sight.

“We’ll divide the crew into teams. Each of you will be a team leader. Make it clear to all your people that we expect to be rescued and our job is to survive until help arrives.”

“Do you really think it is likely that someone will find us, Captain?” Neelix asked. She didn’t even want to think about the alternative.

“You’re the morale officer, Neelix, you give me an answer.”

“Help is on the way!” Neelix shouted out to the rest of the crew.

Janeway hoped he was right. She needed him to be right. They still had Tom. Maybe he had gotten through. He was their only chance of this coming to a happy ending. Janeway trusted his capabilities and with that, had something to hold on to.

“It’s very important that this crew is given a sense of hope. That’s our most important job right now. Our top priority is drinking water. Second is shelter to spend the night.”

“A clearing with a protected side. Like the base of a cliff would be best.”

“Food, fuel… Look for all the basic survival requirements.” Chakotay summed up the rest of the necessities. Everyone knew what to look for.

“We reconvene here in about two hours.”

“Alright, start dividing the crew. Looks like we do not have much daylight left.”

Janeway took lead of Alpha team, along with Chakotay and B’Elanna. The rest took on standard Alpha pattern search and everyone went on their way.

“Kathryn, are you feeling alright?” Chakotay drew her attention away from watching her crew file out. “You look a little pale.”

“I’m getting tired real fast Chakotay. And this heat isn’t helping much.” She admitted. No need to try and convince him she was fine when she wasn’t. She felt awful, and a little nauseous from not eating.

“Let’s find that shelter then.” Chakotay wrapped his arm around her for some support and continued scanning the area.

 

They had found their shelter and all the basics. It had gone dark very soon after that, now everyone was getting comfortable for the night. They had arranged rotating security teams to guarantee some kind of protection while on this foreign planet. Janeway stood to the side, leaning against the wall, overseeing everything. With one hand she was absently rubbing her lower back, while the other was gently stroking her abdomen.

“Here.” Chakotay came up to her with some fresh water and something that resembled an apple.

“Thanks.” She took the offered cup and gulped it down in one go. “Guess I was thirsty.” She tried a half smile.

“You should get some rest, Kathryn. You’ve been on your feet for hours.” Chakotay helped her sit down, then slid down beside her, letting her lean into him for better comfort.

“I hope Tom is alright. He’s our only hope.” She closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I have confidence. We will be rescued soon enough.” Chakotay tried to reassure her and kissed her temple.

A sharp intake of air startled him and when he looked at Kathryn, her eyes were closed, her face somewhat contorted in discomfort. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. At least I hope not. The baby is poking me in the ribs. It feels like he’s stretching and pressing down on my pelvis.” She tried to push the baby back down from under her ribs, but with every attempt, the baby retaliated and stretched even further. It wasn’t doing much good to her stomach either. A wave of nausea hit her and she was sorry for the fact she had just eaten that apple. “Help me up, Chakotay.” Chakotay did as told and hoisted her up.

When she finally stood, her eyes opened wide with terror. She reached between her legs and felt what she had feared. “My water just broke.”

The look on Chakotay’s face mirrored hers. “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure I didn’t just wet my pants. No, definitely my water.” She grimaced slightly when an uncomfortable pain rippled through her abdomen. “Nice timing, little one.” She whispered through clenched teeth.

“Let’s get you somewhere comfortable.” Chakotay suggested, but she shook her head.

“I need to go outside for a minute. I feel sick.” In stealth mode they made their way outside. Janeway drew in some deep breaths to try and calm her stomach, but when her muscles tightened with another contraction she couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Kes, who had just been in hearing range, came out of the shelter and offered Janeway some water. “Captain, are you alright?”

“Her water just broke, Kes.” Chakotay informed her.

“Oh, I see. How are you feeling, besides nauseous?” Kes asked, her nurse mode kicking in immediately while making her first assessment.

“That’s over now. I feel fine again. It’s not that bad actually, a bit of an annoying pain for now.” Color had come to her face again and her eyes were clear and focused. She absently rubbed her belly, no further distress visible.

“That’s pretty normal for a first child. Just take it easy. When you feel the contractions building up in strength, try to walk a bit. It’ll make the baby come down and speed things along a bit.” Kes explained.

“I’m not in a hurry. I didn’t intend on giving birth in a cave with no medical equipment. For now I’m still hoping Tom is on his way with help.”

“You’ll be fine Captain. This may not be the ideal environment, but I’m here for you. I can do this, you can do this and as for Tom, I have confidence he’ll rescue us before this baby comes.” She smiled and lightly touched Janeway’s hand on her stomach.

“We’ll see, we’ll see…”

 

A few hours had passed. It had become very cold, even in their shelter. The entire crew sat huddled together for warmth. Many more fires had been lit, making it somewhat more comfortable. The only person not comfortable was the Captain.

Janeway was pacing back and forth in a more secluded area of the cave, huffing and puffing the pain away. Her contractions were still far enough apart, but had build up in strength. Chakotay sat patiently watching her. He was in complete awe of her, knowing what she had to be going through right now; dealing with the oncoming birth of their child and the fact that they were still abandoned on this planet. Every now and then Neelix came to check up on her too, giving her some updates on the crews' morale. He seemed so nervous every time he wanted to approach her, it was endearing to see. He stood and walked over to where she was leaning against the wall, hands flat against the surface, her face resting on her arm and breathing through her pain. Chakotay startled her a bit when he placed his hands on her lower back and started massaging. “I’ve read this helps.”

She looked over her shoulder, her cheeks slightly flushed, but managing a small smile. “So you’ve been reading then?” she chuckled.

“Of course. We’re in this together and I felt I needed to be prepared in some way. How does this feel?”

“It feels good. A little lower maybe.” She suggested and he did as told.

“How’s the pain?”

“About a six. I still feel like I can recuperate before the next contraction.”

“That’s good. You’re going to need your strength later.” His hands slowly travelled to the front, massaging her very round belly. He felt the muscles tense up, so he spread out his fingers and massaged in circles to cover as much as possible.

“You have magical hands.” She managed to say when the pain subsided again. She pushed away from the wall and turned to walk into his open arms. He wrapped her in them, resting his chin atop her head. Janeway closed her eyes and smiled a little at the thought of soon being able to hug him close again; no belly in the way.

“I love you, Kathryn.”

“I love you too. Maybe not so much later, but we’ll deal with it then” She joked. Chakotay smiled into her hair, then kissed her there.

 

“Ow, ow, ow, mmmmmm.” Janeway’s contractions were starting to take a toll on her. They were all but a minute apart and she was definitely in pain now. She had long given up on trying to walk it off, her legs wouldn’t carry her anymore. She was lying on her side, curled up into a ball and her arms tightly around her belly. Chakotay was still trying to work his magic on her back, but he had a feeling it didn’t do that much for her anymore.

“I need to check you now, Captain. Can you turn on your back?” Kes softly asked and helped her turn, but before she could give Kes access, a sharp pain knocked the wind out of Kathryn and she turned back to her side. “Aaah.”

“What’s wrong?” Chakotay asked alarmed, hoping Kes had the answer.

“I don’t know until I examine her. Could you help her support her leg upward, I’ll try to do it like this.” Chakotay lifted her leg, giving Kes a little room to do what she needed to do. “You’re almost fully dilated. I can feel the baby’s head.” She looked at Chakotay apologetically. “I’m afraid this is it.”

“Oooooh, mmmmmm, I need to push.” Janeway practically screamed at either one of them.

“Do as you feel Captain. I’m right here.” Kes assured her. They helped her turn her onto her back again and this time they succeeded without giving her more discomfort.

Suddenly Neelix appeared from around the corner, out of breath. “Voyager.” He gasped, needing to catch his breath. “She’s here.”

“And the Kazon?” Chakotay immediately wanted to know.

“Gone! It’s Tom.” Neelix smiled widely. Only then he took notice of what was happening, suddenly feeling very conscious at seeing his Captain in such a compromising position.

“Neelix!” Chakotay shook him out of it. “Run! We need immediate medical assistance.” Neelix turned and hurried away.

“Per…fect…timing… aaaaaah.” Janeway grabbed Chakotay’s hand and squeezed it, hard.

The blue shimmer whisked them away and before they knew it, she was lying on a biobed, Chakotay’s hand still in a tight grasp. The EMH immediately took over from what Kes had been doing, noticing the baby was already crowning.

“We’ll that’s cutting it close.”

“Push Kathryn, push.” Chakotay supported her back, their eyes locked on each other. “You can do this.” She just nodded and gave it everything she had.

“Nnnngaaaah.” A sudden relief came over her and the sensation took her by surprise.

Then the tiniest of cries filled the room. Their eyes went wide, their smiles the most radiant they had ever been.

“Here’s someone you would definitely like to meet.” The Doctor announced and placed the crying infant on her chest. She wrapped her arms protectively around the still slippery child, tears clouding her eyes.

“Hi, baby. Oh, my beautiful…”she started.

“Boy. It’s a boy.” The Doctor interjected.

“We have a son, Kathryn.” Janeway looked at Chakotay, who was also in tears. “We have a son.” The words got caught in his throat, his emotions taking the best of him. He wrapped his arms around them and kissed Kathryn’s temple, then her mouth. “I love you.”

They laughed, they cried, they cuddled… Their son was born. Their son.


End file.
